Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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