She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
