I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
