I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
