My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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