I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
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Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
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We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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