I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
