nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
