Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
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