there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Randomize
