I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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