How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
