Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
