I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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