can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
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I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
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I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
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