Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
