Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
