ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
