I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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