I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
