I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Can I color on your dick again?
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
