FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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