the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
