all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
