my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
