I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
love makes seman taste better
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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