Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
