Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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