Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
