I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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