I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
