I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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