I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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