I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
You're so nebulous sometimes
i think my tv is drunk
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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