I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
