well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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