I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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