I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
