If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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