sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
