Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
