i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
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