My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
