just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
