Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
organizing the empties. That sober.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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