Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
It's shark week go big or go home
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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