We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
