I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
