I looked at my own cervix.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Randomize
