ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
