chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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