I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
