I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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