She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
i love accidental penises.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
