Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Randomize
