One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
