6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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